Day 28 - November 28th - 6:49 am Hurting so bad

I am working backwards and forwards through the blog and will get to the middle in time but had to write for today...My dates and times do not correspond as my brother helped me set it up in the States so you need to go according to my dates.. why God why my girl? I WANT MY KEZZIE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! I received the Neurosurgeon's report before we went to the Neurosurgeon and it crashed my world..I can hardly type this morning as I am crying so much...it is 6:49 Am and I have not slept since 4am when little Nunu woke me to change her nappy... I am wrestling with my thoughts and feelings right now ...the report says that "the stroke presented itself with an altered level of consciousness and left side weakness. She was also unable to talk and not able to close her mouth. She was admitted to ICU and investigations began. She has suffered a fairly extensive stroke of the pons and medulla - secondary to a dissection of the basilar artery. She has started on Clexane. She also had a few seizures and subsequently also started Epilim. She has done remarkably well, but remains serverely disabled at this time. She is able to swallow - she makes some dysarthric sounds. She moves her legs, her arms less well."....we went to her yesterday and I think the reality of the situation has hit me... Keziah suffers a thrombosis and one of 2 things can still happen.. the blood clot will never dissolve even with her taking the Clexane or secondly she still stands the risk of heammoraging into the brain...I know I need to believe that God is working a miracle but I am human and I am petrified that something is going to happen to Keziah... even more so now...I know I have to have faith in God and his healing hand but right now I am so scared something else will happen...The doctor says it is a miracle that Kezzie eats as she has no gag reflex..the gag reflex might come back in time..I know I need to believe it will but today my faith is limited and my heart is heavy...I dont know what the life lesson is here...why if God work's miracles instantly can he not give me my Kezzie back? The uncertainty is killing me... I know I am not in control here and this feeling is scary... What is the purpose of this trecherous journey? What is the purpose of my little Nunu suffering? Do you know that my Kezzie is in there... her brain is still in tact when it comes to languages, maths, attitude (and did my Kezzie have lots of that and yes it comes from me!) - my Kezzie is there but she is trapped in a body that wont work...Lord Jesus Please give her back to me I beg you! Please give her back to me so she can climb on my lap, snuggle next to me in bed, give me her special smile, tell me she loves me, nearly burst with excitement when I come home from work so that I feel so special, shop with me, go to the Spur with me, go to a tea garden again, let me defend her when she talks to much and gets into trouble, let me see her one hand cartwheel again...I feel so empty inside...For almost 9 months I carried her inside me, she fed off me, she fed from me when she was born, I nurtured her and loved her with an all consuming unconditional love..I watched her turn from a little worm into the most beautiful butterfly...Please give me back my Butterfly Girl with the big heart and the happy helper with a ready smile always!!!!!