And the last one.. you can see I was only the incubator...

And yet another one.... they are two peas in a pod

Daddy and Kezzie catching up on some sleep....

Day 11 - Day 20 - 11th November - 20th November

Well the Cortizone has stopped... YES PLEASE...and finally the Nebuliser has stopped Kezzie was so happy when she realised she would not be Nebulised that everything else paled in comparison....Kezzie is growing from strength to strength every day...this journey has been long so far..but none of us are giving up baby... so dont even try angel pie... while you are breathing your mamma will not give up and I will not let you give up either so lets put up our chins...hold our heads high and lets join our strengths...and attitude (and man do we have lots between us :) ) and lets pack on this journey...baba if you get to tired dont worry your mamma will carry you even if I have to tie you on my back...and carry your for part of the way...we will carry on no matter what...You know what the most frustrating part of this type of journey is that if you are so sick you move one step forward and 3 steps back so this journey seems 3x as long as it was originally set out... I have become a lioness I am tired of all the hurting that Kezzie is going through and if I can fight to have a less painful way I will... No more uneccessary hurting just to get the job done .... they need to find a Kezzie friendly way to do it now... I will not just accept the first option especially if it hurts...I have realised something that this is not of God and never could be of God as God does not let his little children suffer...Satan does not decide on life and death God does... Satan has tried everything to take away my Kezzie and God has decided otherwise...God has given me back my angel...If God's hand was not in this I cannot even try to think what would have happened...he has gently protected her whole brain... she can still read...she can still understand and remember most things...she is just trapped...I want an instant miracle.. but what I want is not neccessarily what is in God's plan and maybe he is healing her as fast as her little body can handle... she receives physio still for her lungs and they are stretching her so that her muscles do not shorten.. one of the physio ladies explained exactly what has happened..she has had her GPS short circuited so all the signals that go from the brain to the body parts is not happening.. there is nothing wrong with the muscles but the message at this stage is not reaching the muscles... we basically have to do software updates on her GPS and retrain the brain to do this... another picture to think of it is like taking a filing cabinet and throwing out all the files and slowly starting to put them back in alphabet order... I am sleeping 2 days at the hospital and her dad 1 day at the hospital...bless her dad's heart the first time he slept over he never slept one moment... we sleep on this chair that folds out into a bed which makes your hips burn...he was so nervous that while he was on facebook farming he was so scared that even typing on the keyboard would wake her...since day 6 one of us has been sleeping at her bedside... we have never left her alone... on the nights when I sleep at home for that one night I take Miguel home with me to spend some time with him...she wakes up a few times during the night for nappy changes and by now her little body is so tired and sore from all the lying that we have to turn her on her sides as she cannot do that... we have to do it for her and prop her with pillows so she stays in that position....every day is physio twice a day and inbetween we have started speech therapy and we have to help her by moving the arms and legs and I massage her at least once a day to keep the some of the eina's away....every day we see her getting stronger...keep fighting Nunu you have strong warriors behind you fighting with you every step of the way.....

And the last one... in our Supermodel debut....

And another supermodel moment with the linen saver

Some more pics from Hospital - mom changing her nappy, Kezzie posing with Linen Saver - My super model

Day 6 - Day 10 - 6th November - 10th November

Every day we are seeing differences in Kezzie... her tongue is moving a little better...she swallows and you can see her little chin working to help with the swallowing action...she is still on Cortizone to stop the swelling in the brain and the brain stem...she is still on Epilim to stop the seizures...and she is still on Clexane twice a day.. Every day she receives physio for her chest as she is chesty which comes from lying too much and we do not want her to get pneumonia or Bronchitus..she is off the athsma pump that she received in ICU but she still gets Nebulised 3 times a day which really upsets her and puts her in a crying fit.. her dad and I tried to sing puff the magic dragon (we always used to sing it for Miguel as he has asthma and every winter he got very sick and had to be nebulised) but we could not remember the words..and in true Brad fashion he made up the words.. I could just smile...she is more peaceful now that she is not in ICU and her walls are covered with little letters from her class and cards from Well Wishers and Aunty T has brought little butterflies and dragon flies which have been stuck to the walls and drip stands and even the ceiling fan...she has so many soft toys and other presents and has had so many visitors and I know that so many people are still praying...the feeding tube is still in as well as the drip and they have had to move the drip as there has been tissue damage so we have moved the drip from the one hand to the other..her feeding tube has come out in this time period and it has been hectic and traumatic for Kezzie to have this put back in... her tummy has also not been working very well and Doctor Li has perscribed what he calls a bumb bomb but the first time they did this it was so hectic and her little body could not take it and she stopped breathing and they had to put her back on oxygen (I forgot to mention they have taken the oxygen out by now),,, My heart goes out to my Nunu Kupunu..all those prodding and poking (still blood tests every day to check the XA levels)... how does she keep going? Waking up to realise this is not a dream and that she still is in the hospital? That this is a reality? How does one cope at 7 with this difficult journey if her mother of 37 cannot cope with this? Baby mommy loves you and I am so sorry you are suffering like this and if I could take it I would....but remember this that every step of the way your mamma will walk this with you and that is my promise.. I pinky swear... I will not let you take one step on your own.... Miguel is in the middle of exams and I have neglected him as well... I am so sorry my boy....Mommy loves you too... even though you probably dont feel it right now...your sister can do nothing and I need to help her so that we can get our Nunu back for Christmas... we are going to have the best Christmas ever I promise...

Day 28 - November 28th - 6:49 am Hurting so bad

I am working backwards and forwards through the blog and will get to the middle in time but had to write for today...My dates and times do not correspond as my brother helped me set it up in the States so you need to go according to my dates.. why God why my girl? I WANT MY KEZZIE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! I received the Neurosurgeon's report before we went to the Neurosurgeon and it crashed my world..I can hardly type this morning as I am crying so much...it is 6:49 Am and I have not slept since 4am when little Nunu woke me to change her nappy... I am wrestling with my thoughts and feelings right now ...the report says that "the stroke presented itself with an altered level of consciousness and left side weakness. She was also unable to talk and not able to close her mouth. She was admitted to ICU and investigations began. She has suffered a fairly extensive stroke of the pons and medulla - secondary to a dissection of the basilar artery. She has started on Clexane. She also had a few seizures and subsequently also started Epilim. She has done remarkably well, but remains serverely disabled at this time. She is able to swallow - she makes some dysarthric sounds. She moves her legs, her arms less well."....we went to her yesterday and I think the reality of the situation has hit me... Keziah suffers a thrombosis and one of 2 things can still happen.. the blood clot will never dissolve even with her taking the Clexane or secondly she still stands the risk of heammoraging into the brain...I know I need to believe that God is working a miracle but I am human and I am petrified that something is going to happen to Keziah... even more so now...I know I have to have faith in God and his healing hand but right now I am so scared something else will happen...The doctor says it is a miracle that Kezzie eats as she has no gag reflex..the gag reflex might come back in time..I know I need to believe it will but today my faith is limited and my heart is heavy...I dont know what the life lesson is here...why if God work's miracles instantly can he not give me my Kezzie back? The uncertainty is killing me... I know I am not in control here and this feeling is scary... What is the purpose of this trecherous journey? What is the purpose of my little Nunu suffering? Do you know that my Kezzie is in there... her brain is still in tact when it comes to languages, maths, attitude (and did my Kezzie have lots of that and yes it comes from me!) - my Kezzie is there but she is trapped in a body that wont work...Lord Jesus Please give her back to me I beg you! Please give her back to me so she can climb on my lap, snuggle next to me in bed, give me her special smile, tell me she loves me, nearly burst with excitement when I come home from work so that I feel so special, shop with me, go to the Spur with me, go to a tea garden again, let me defend her when she talks to much and gets into trouble, let me see her one hand cartwheel again...I feel so empty inside...For almost 9 months I carried her inside me, she fed off me, she fed from me when she was born, I nurtured her and loved her with an all consuming unconditional love..I watched her turn from a little worm into the most beautiful butterfly...Please give me back my Butterfly Girl with the big heart and the happy helper with a ready smile always!!!!!

Day 5 - 5th November 2009

Today we are leaving ICU my superstar has fought with everything she has and we are moving to a private ward in the Paedeiatrics (can never spell this word :) ) ward. We are officially out of ICU and in her own private ward. Little Nunu know one thing that everyone loves you so much and we have pasted all the pics and cards on the wall and we had to organise an extra tray on wheels to put all your soft toys on that everyone had brought... Kezzie calmed down instantly when we took her out of the room in ICU and she finally slept for more than 15-20 minutes at a time. I think the ICU room was scaring her... and now I could sleep at night with her... I think that also scared her ... I know it must have been scary to sleep at night without your mamma baby.. I dont care what people say.. I had both my kids sleeping in my room for the last 18 months and really dont care what anyone has to say... I have no regrets as I spent most of my time with them night and day and Kezzie used to sleep in the bed with me and Miggie on a matress at my feet and there is nothing nicer than going to sleep and hearing your kids breathing....now in ICU I was not allowed to sleep with her and now I can and I am so excited... I am wrestling with my dilemna and my religous beliefs and where everything fits in this confusing puzzle of life... from here on in I will be doing a few days at a time even though the progress could be seen hourly but I would like to catch up to where I am today... but Kezzie, mamma will not miss out anything so that you can read your own journey one day... today I told Kezzie what had happened to her as she was calmer ... she did not know what had happened and why this had happened to her.. I explained that her brain got hurt and that she had suffered what they call a stroke and that her brain's GPS had a short circuit and that she was in hospital and having all this medicine that we could fix her brain's GPS...I told her I was so proud to be called her mamma and that there was no greater honour than watching her fight for her life with such determination...I also told her that from now on I would be honest and tell her if they were going to hurt her or not... we made a mistake every time they injected her or hurt her we just walked away... this is not the right thing to do..it confuses and has Kezzie thinking we are desserting her when she needs us the most...so I told her she would need to trust me and I would tell her if they were going to hurt her or not and I would stay where they would let me and be her strength too...this made her calm down with the nurses as my clever little button had already reasoned that anyone in a nurses outfit was going to hurt her and she immediately started crying when they came in the room....I am still asking God why Kezzie ... I am praying more now than I have ever done and trying to understand what is going on... we have determined that Kezzie has not lost her side of the brain where she can understand English and Afrikaans.. we have also seen that when we read to her and turn the book so she can see she follows with us (Kezzie had a passion for reading and maybe this was a blessing...I remember at night when I put them to bed I would get into bed too as there was really nothing for me to do and the house was too quiet so I would get into bed and read and little Nunu would have her book and also would be reading and she kept interupting me to tell her what a word was and the first few times was ok and then I started to loose patience..never again baby ask me all the words you want to know and I will tell them...) I feel so torn my son, Miggie is in the middle of exams and his life has been turned upside down... thank goodness my mom and dad are there to look after him... I dont know how to tear myself in 2 as Kezzie is helpless right now and in his own way Miggie feels helpless emotionally....please God keep my babies safe and give them peace ... and give me Solomon's wise ways to handle this situation...

Day 4 - 4th November 2009

We are progressing every day... she has a crocodile clip on her toe to check heart rate and oxygen levels .. she has a blood pressure band around her leg..oxygen tube in her nose... feeding tube in her nose..and plasters on her arms as they are drawing blood to see if the medicine they are injecting her with is thinning her blood to dissolve the blood clot... today Dr Aduc came... there are some reflexes but she is very distressed and the doctor has decided to sedate her.. there is no gag reflex and she is bed ridden and has no communication and her tongue is lolling in her mouth... what has happened to my baby on Friday before all this happened I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her when dropping her at school as it was her weekend with her dad... she ran off and I looked at her go... little did I know that she was not coming back on Sunday night... why God? Why her? I am so mad at God but I cannot be as I need him to help heal her... God why is this happening to my Nunu she is an innocent child...

Kezzie in Neonatal ICU - lying with her daddy

Kezzie in Neonatal ICU - Day 3 - 3rd November 2009

Kezzie has a feeding tube now as well and we have found that when I get on the bed with her she calms down... the nurses said a mother has an amazing way of calming down her children...Kezzie be strong my angel your biggest fan is rooting for you!Daily we are seeing changes in her.. daily we are watching her fighting ... tomorrow the Neuro Surgeon will be coming to access where we are at..baby I know you are tired and your body has taken a beating but never give up...while there is still breathe in you there will be hope and I will never give up... There are people praying all over the world for you...prayer chains have been set up and someone from Nigeria called as well to find out how you are... someone has come to pray for you in ICU and they have laid hands on you...I have made you a promise that I will walk this way with you no matter what and that I will never leave your side ever again as we walk this walk.....

Daddy reading to Kezzie...

Day 2 - 2nd November 2009

Was rushing back to the hospital this am and not sure of what would greet me... the feeling of the unknown and being so out of control is overwhelming...I dont know what will greet me in the little room they have put her in, in Neonatal ICU...Right in the corner with not much light or space...I walked in after washing my hands to hear my daughter crying....why is she suffering so? What is the lesson to be learn't by watching a 7 year old suffering like this? Her head must be so sore... she has swelling on the brain and the brain stem...she has suffered a severe stroke and we dont know if she will ever be normal again...she stopped breathing yesterday as well....how much more must she take?.... I have just found out she suffered severe seizures which is part of this injury and is now on Epilum as well. How much more? She has machines everywhere and is being pricked like a pin cushion and there is nothing I can do to stop this...we have put the radio on in the room as Kezzie loves music and always sang along in the car to all the songs played on 5FM. This little girl of mine has such a fighting spirit even when sedated yesterday she came back fighting... she is fighting all the way... She makes me so damn proud to be her mom...

Day 1 - 1st November 2009

Kezzie had been kept overnight in the hospital at Olivedale as in July Kezzie started complaining about feeling dizzy and lame on one side. I took her to paedetrician who said it was emotional as there was nothing wrong. On Saturday, 31st of October 2009 my ex husband took Kezzie to gymnastics and she still ran inside and all was fine. By the time he fetched her from gymnastics she was a mess. I came to my ex husbands home as she was crying for me, got her dressed and sorted and she walked with me to the car and I took her home. She slept by me on Saturday night and had a good nights sleep and the next morning she asked me for Jumping Jack Popcorn (one of her favourites) and we had some diet coke. She then started crying and wanted her dad. I phoned him and his wife came through to fetch her. By the time they were almost home the stroke had presented itself. My ex husband rushed her to hospital casualty and I raced through there. They first thought that I had overdosed her on Rescue Remedy but how can you overdose on herbal remedies? She stayed overnight for observations. The next day Doctor Li (the best paedetrician you will ever find) spoke to a Doctor Aduc and they decided to do tests, MRI, MRA, EEG and a lumber punch. We gave her the premed to sedate her at 12pm as the MRI machine is pretty scary and the lumber punch is no fun either. And that is where the rocky road started. My daughter stopped breathing and they had to resusitate her...I cannot type any further as my chest closes and I feel like crumbling again... I will type a little later the rest of this very long day...back to the story... my thoughts were has God forsaken me... why my angel? Why not me? How could I possibly loose one of the reason's I breathe... when my ex left last year again I could not believe I was back in the same situation and I thought I was going to die of a broken heart... for the last 18 months when I did not want to go on and I thought if I could just roll up in a ball and stop breathing the pain would stop.. but my kids, Miguel and Keziah slept next to me and when I felt like that I could hear the breathing and realised that I had to get up and go to work and be strong for them...after 18 months of the three of us, Kezzie, Miggie and Me picking up our pieces we were finally happy the 3 of us as a family unit and now I was on my haunches in a passage chewing on a face cloth begging God not to take my one reason for breathing becuase how was I going to keep breathing for Miguel if Keziah would not make it...they got her breathing again and rushed her to ICU and while sedated and once stabilised they did the MRI and we were then called urgently into Dr Li's Office.. he told us it looked like bleeding on the brain... but he had called Dr Aduc and we would transport Kezzie to Sunninghill ... there were no beds available ... so Dr Aduc came to Olivedale Clinic..they put her back in the MRI and did an MRA and it showed that Kezzie had blockage in her main artery leading into her brain stem... not only that but it looked like the blockage had been there for some time and that a thin trickle of blood was passing through there and she had been walking with this and for some reason her main artery leading to the brain stem had torn and a blood clot had moved through the tear and basically short circuited her brain... how could I not have seen this?...how could I have missed this?...what was going to happen to my baby?... they did an MRA and confirmed this and then she was taken back to the room... we were called in and we sat at a small little table in the ICU "kitchen" and told by Dr Aduc that this was the prognosis and if they dissolved the blood clot we stood the chance that it would bleed into the brain but we had no choice our backs were to the wall and we had to take the risk to save Kezzie... they immediately started treatment ... Kezzie was in a complete state...her hair a matted mess from thrashing and the gel from the EEG machines and no recognition of who we were... my heart was tearing in two and I was so mad at God ...we settled her as much as possible ... she was in ICU so I was not allowed to stay with her and had to go home...I came home to our home with no Kezzie and no real possibility at this stage of ever bringing her home...I lay on her bed crying holding a soft toy... what was I going to do... my little worm might never be back... I carried her inside me... I watched her grow on sonars... she spent basically all the time they were with me except every second weekend and Wednesday night till 8pm with me... I could never fill that gap... HELP!!!! This feeling of complete helplessness like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do to make my baby better made me feel like I was spiralling in a black hole of despair!!! Good night my baby ... see you tomorrow... please God keep her safe for me... I dont want to live the rest of my life without her.... It is not fair kids outlive their parents not the other way round!!!! Why her? Why not me? Why not give it to me instead I would gladly take it I am 37 she is only 7 and not yet really lived... what about her first date? Her first kiss? Our shopping trips we always did... her difficult teenage years? The list just goes on... and now I might not be able to do any of this....WHY?

Kezia

Our little superstar! Go Kezia, Go...