Day 1 - 1st November 2009

Kezzie had been kept overnight in the hospital at Olivedale as in July Kezzie started complaining about feeling dizzy and lame on one side. I took her to paedetrician who said it was emotional as there was nothing wrong. On Saturday, 31st of October 2009 my ex husband took Kezzie to gymnastics and she still ran inside and all was fine. By the time he fetched her from gymnastics she was a mess. I came to my ex husbands home as she was crying for me, got her dressed and sorted and she walked with me to the car and I took her home. She slept by me on Saturday night and had a good nights sleep and the next morning she asked me for Jumping Jack Popcorn (one of her favourites) and we had some diet coke. She then started crying and wanted her dad. I phoned him and his wife came through to fetch her. By the time they were almost home the stroke had presented itself. My ex husband rushed her to hospital casualty and I raced through there. They first thought that I had overdosed her on Rescue Remedy but how can you overdose on herbal remedies? She stayed overnight for observations. The next day Doctor Li (the best paedetrician you will ever find) spoke to a Doctor Aduc and they decided to do tests, MRI, MRA, EEG and a lumber punch. We gave her the premed to sedate her at 12pm as the MRI machine is pretty scary and the lumber punch is no fun either. And that is where the rocky road started. My daughter stopped breathing and they had to resusitate her...I cannot type any further as my chest closes and I feel like crumbling again... I will type a little later the rest of this very long day...back to the story... my thoughts were has God forsaken me... why my angel? Why not me? How could I possibly loose one of the reason's I breathe... when my ex left last year again I could not believe I was back in the same situation and I thought I was going to die of a broken heart... for the last 18 months when I did not want to go on and I thought if I could just roll up in a ball and stop breathing the pain would stop.. but my kids, Miguel and Keziah slept next to me and when I felt like that I could hear the breathing and realised that I had to get up and go to work and be strong for them...after 18 months of the three of us, Kezzie, Miggie and Me picking up our pieces we were finally happy the 3 of us as a family unit and now I was on my haunches in a passage chewing on a face cloth begging God not to take my one reason for breathing becuase how was I going to keep breathing for Miguel if Keziah would not make it...they got her breathing again and rushed her to ICU and while sedated and once stabilised they did the MRI and we were then called urgently into Dr Li's Office.. he told us it looked like bleeding on the brain... but he had called Dr Aduc and we would transport Kezzie to Sunninghill ... there were no beds available ... so Dr Aduc came to Olivedale Clinic..they put her back in the MRI and did an MRA and it showed that Kezzie had blockage in her main artery leading into her brain stem... not only that but it looked like the blockage had been there for some time and that a thin trickle of blood was passing through there and she had been walking with this and for some reason her main artery leading to the brain stem had torn and a blood clot had moved through the tear and basically short circuited her brain... how could I not have seen this?...how could I have missed this?...what was going to happen to my baby?... they did an MRA and confirmed this and then she was taken back to the room... we were called in and we sat at a small little table in the ICU "kitchen" and told by Dr Aduc that this was the prognosis and if they dissolved the blood clot we stood the chance that it would bleed into the brain but we had no choice our backs were to the wall and we had to take the risk to save Kezzie... they immediately started treatment ... Kezzie was in a complete state...her hair a matted mess from thrashing and the gel from the EEG machines and no recognition of who we were... my heart was tearing in two and I was so mad at God ...we settled her as much as possible ... she was in ICU so I was not allowed to stay with her and had to go home...I came home to our home with no Kezzie and no real possibility at this stage of ever bringing her home...I lay on her bed crying holding a soft toy... what was I going to do... my little worm might never be back... I carried her inside me... I watched her grow on sonars... she spent basically all the time they were with me except every second weekend and Wednesday night till 8pm with me... I could never fill that gap... HELP!!!! This feeling of complete helplessness like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do to make my baby better made me feel like I was spiralling in a black hole of despair!!! Good night my baby ... see you tomorrow... please God keep her safe for me... I dont want to live the rest of my life without her.... It is not fair kids outlive their parents not the other way round!!!! Why her? Why not me? Why not give it to me instead I would gladly take it I am 37 she is only 7 and not yet really lived... what about her first date? Her first kiss? Our shopping trips we always did... her difficult teenage years? The list just goes on... and now I might not be able to do any of this....WHY?